The Jerk looks for license plates

The Jerk made his first appearance in my blog in “Snakes on a Crowbar”. There’s no good way to introduce The Jerk, so I’ll just jump in with another story.

Have you ever watched license plates? First you look for every state and the Canadian providences. Then one looks for every letter of the alphabet to start a plate. Starting numbers are an additional category. Different states use different formats for their plates. Vanity plates are yet another source of amusement.

For all the years of the Ghost Van, Uncle John looked for license plates. (I think he still may do it on long trips, but at his age he doesn’t take many trips. The World Traveler became a Homebody.) The Ghost Van was set up with a little table built upon the center hump that most full sized vans have. A clipboard was fixed into place so that it would not scoot nor slide during travel. More than one mechanical pencil was tethered to the clipboard so that he would always be able to find one.

The Jerk wasn’t around for the Ghost Van, but he heard some stories one day. He was especially fascinated by the prospect of wasting large chunks of time by organizing license plates. On our next long SCA event commute, he decided to bring a clipboard. The Jerk wanted to be like my Uncle John and personally write down all the license plates he saw.

Have I mentioned yet he was/is a terrible driver?

So here we are, far, far from home in a strange city, driving at night. At a stop light, The Jerk sees a plate letter he hasn’t written down yet. The light turns green. He stomps the gas and looks down to write. The car in front of the car in front of us brakes to turn right. He is not looking. The accident is mere seconds away...

In desperation, I scream “STOP!!!”

The Jerk stops our van, turns to me and tells me once again what a bitch I am.

“There is a reason why an ex is an ex.”—Montel Williams