The Ghost Van

Uncle John was in the Army. He enjoyed driving home for long weekends, so he purchased himself a plain, white, panel van and customized it. First he went off to the van “topper” place in Georgia and had a fiberglass top put on. They cut away all of the roof, except for a shelf over the front seat. On top of this shelf, Uncle John placed his CB equipment.

For all of you babies that were not alive in the era of the Citizens’ Band Radio, it would take MANY pages of stories to attempt to explain the flavor of the era and HINT at what you missed. I will suffice to say for today: it was WAY different. The closest thing I can liken CB users to today would be linked cell phones where all the users can hear everything everyone else is saying. Cell phone users today subject the rest of us to hearing one side of the conversation, but back in the CB Radio Era we could hear it all. Some of it was not suitable for children’s tender ears, and our ears WERE more tender back then. Ah, the memories…

At any rate, Uncle John now had a hard metal shelf (the original van roof) for all his CB equipment. He sat in the driver’s seat and positioned everything important within his (considerable) easy reach.

I must pause at this moment to tell you, Dear Reader, in case you did not know: Uncle John is LARGE. I mean LARGE. I once watched Earl Sir Kane (of SCA fame) take two steps backwards and start using a lot of “sirs” after I introduced them. Kane might have been a big boy, but Uncle John is bigger. In his teens, Uncle John weighed in at 180 pounds. He was also 6’6”, which made him a virtual bean pole. Uncle John joined the Army and when he graduated boot camp “in the best physical shape of my life, I weighed 225 pounds.” He was at that point sheer muscle and bone. Then the Army sent him to Germany “where they spell beer with an I”. His weight grew and he spent a few years arguing with the Army as to how much weight he had to lose. At the end of his Army career, Uncle John weighed over 350 pounds, but at the time of the Ghost Van, he was keeping his weight well below 300.

Those of you unfamiliar with CB equipment and its foibles might not realize that CB antennas did not work well through sheet metal. Most vehicles had large antennas proudly standing on their back bumpers, swinging through the air, attempting to take out low tree branches or errant signage. Uncle John’s van now had a fiberglass top. It was just perfect for placing two long antennas, one down each side. After a nasty moment when the antennas broke free and touched one another while he was on air (Can we say “interference”, children?), Uncle John used MUCH strapping and duct tape to hold them in place.

Uncle John now had “The Ghost, the van with the invisible CB.” He even made business cards with a little ghost, a friend of Casper the Friendly Ghost. I don’t recall the character’s name now, but the one with the cigar. Uncle John loves cigars, so this little ghost was his perfect mascot.

The Ghost was further customized with a twin bed. Uncle John built a plywood box and placed the twin mattress on top. He hid camera equipment and other important things inside and the average Peeping Tom just saw a twin bed. An iron pipe was placed across the back of the van as a clothing rack. It was only held in place with a few nails and I had the displeasure of having this iron pipe break free and hit me on the back of the head during one memorable ride. Apparently, the iron pipe did not like being used as a hand-hold and it smacked me because I was the closest. I had a goose-egg for several days. Ouch.

Now Uncle John had the perfect vehicle for those trips across America for his long weekends home or for visiting any place in between home and where he was stationed. He did a lot of sight-seeing and picture taking. We sat through hours of slide shows and it was many years before I realized his carved, wooden “pointer hand” was pointing with his middle finger, but I digress.

When Uncle John would get tired while driving, all he had to do was find a safe place to park. He had the bed to flop on for a long nap. Being a male, bathroom facilities were not much of a worry and this was before the era of “you can’t park at Interstate rest stops”, so he often parked at them. He usually packed food and water. I’m quite positive he had weapons for protection.

What did he do for amusement on these long trips? There was always the CB to talk on and listen to, but Uncle John had a hobby. He looked for license plates.