Outback and the tire rut appology

We returned the Dodge Magnum to the airport today. We went to Outback on the way home. Middle Child was very adamant that she did NOT want to eat at Outback. I informed her she could starve while she watched us eat. Or not. Her choice.

Heather the Waitress was taking our order when disaster struck. One girl knocked the other girl's glass over. It sloshed all over the table. Heather the Waitress ran to grab towels. As we tried to be helpful, I came to the conclusion that it was a good time to make a potty run.

"Mommy," asked Middlest, "why do the doors say 'blokes' and 'sheilas'?"

I explained it was Australian slang for guys and gals. Middlest picked a stall, so I went to the other two to check. There wasn't toilet paper hung in any of the stalls. Middlest's stall had two rolls perched on the toilet tank. I opted to wait for her to get done and use that stall. I locked the door and started to bend over, my eyes on my jeans front.

I connected with the coat hanger on the back of the door. If I don't have a bruise in my hairline tomorrow, it'll be a miracle.

I walked Middlest back to the table and told Charles I needed to go speak with a manager. I headed back towards the door and spoke with the (rather pregnant) hostess. She was indeed some version of manager and she appoligized for my bathroom experience. I complained politely about the toilet paper situation, then quietly whispered, "And it really stinks in there..." Right at that moment, a guy in a blue shirt walked up.

"This is Chris, our store owner. He's the one that can do anything to the building," Pregnant Hostess/Manager began to explain.

I quickly repeated to Chris the Owner what had happened. His jaw dropped. He promised "as soon as the customers clear out tonight, that hook is GONE." Then he mentioned that they would soon be renovating the restrooms.

"If that's the case, the best thing you can do for your ladies' room is to have stalls that open OUT," I suggested.

Pregnant Hostess/Manager nodded her agreement. Chris the Owner stared at us blankly.

"When doors open inward, you have to dance around to get inside and close the door," I explained.

"You have to rub up against the toilets in there just to get in," Pregnant Hostess/Manager added helpfully.

"And if you have a small child with you," I continued, "it's even more complicated."

Pregnant Hostess/Manager offered to go show Chris the Owner right that moment what we were talking about. He caught on that she was joking and thanked me for "the very good input" about the bathrooms. I returned to our table and gave Charles the Headline version of the story. Oldest looked up and stared at Chris the Owner as he arranged tables for a party near us.

"That guy looks like Uncle Jim!"

Having seen Chris the Owner straight on, I didn't notice it. Viewing him from the side, he looked a LOT like my brother. I caught his attention as he neared our table and told him he favored my brother quite a bit.

"Then your brother must be a very fine looking fellow!"

The rest of dinner progressed without drama. The Boy Child not only tore into the Blooming Onion, he ate ALL of his cheeseburger. Wonders will never cease.

Once we got home, I decided to accomplish two things I had put off all day. I headed to Sally Beauty Supply and Wal-mart.

At Sally I got the necessary things for fixing my broken nails. "You don't need all that stuff," the manager said when I came to the checkout. "Put all that back. Buy this stuff. It's what I use." One bottle for $3 versus a handful of items for about $20... SOLD. This super-glue in a nail polish bottle is called "Brush-On Gel Resin", apparently by "ibd" company. It dries a little rough, so there will be buffing/sanding later.

At Wal-mart I assembled the "I'm sorry the tow truck driver left ruts in your yard" basket. The neighbor is diabetic, so I got some fruit, "Motts Healthy Harvest" apple sauce ("with no added sugar!"), three kinds of Gevalia coffee, and six kinds of sugar free candy. I placed it all in a bright red dish pan. I wrapped it all in "Saran Wrap Holiday Colors" green plastic wrap and enclosed a card.

I left it on their front stoop without ringing the bell. I'll let you know if anything is said.

April 23, Catching up on Blogging

Where do I begin?

My MasterCard Moment:

New toilet for kids: $188;

Total spent at 3 stores over 3 days because old toilet was leaking and to "do it right": $1100 and counting;

4 days of "family togetherness": PRICELESS.


We had a nice visit with my parents for Spring Break. Most all of Grandma’s great-grandchildren, all of her children, and all of her grandchildren* came to see her in one day. That was nice for her and the rest of us.

*Jim intended to visit when we had dinner at his restaurant, but I don’t know for sure that he made it out to the Island.

On both the trip South and the return North, we stopped and saw my in-laws for a couple of hours. As I was trying to untangle a few tomato plants for MIL, I broke one. It was one of the few things I managed to get done (planted) the day after our return home.

Why? Heh. Read on.

After a nice breakfast out Wednesday morning, Hubby announced we should go visit Lowe’s. “The kids need a new toilet in their bathroom.” Lowe’s was running their normal “spend $299 at one time and get zero interest for 12 months.” We scoped out what we wanted, then returned home to take measurements and make a list.

Then the Hell began.

I lost track of how many trips to Lowe’s and Churchland Hardware that my poor Karl had to make. I did have the fore-thought to completely empty Karl’s bed. The two large boxes which act as Karl the Wonder Truck’s “trunk” had to take up temporary residence in our living room.

Hubby and Oldest came tearing into the house after that first shopping expedition at Lowe’s. “I’m LATE!” He had a meeting that would start in a few minutes. I told him to not worry about the stuff and just go. Several minutes after he left, the phone rang…

“Um, Janie, is he home?”

“No.” I could almost hear the panic start to build. The whole meeting depended upon Hubby’s presence. “He left several minutes ago. He’s probably pulling up to the Lodge right now.”

The girls really didn’t understand the meaning of “clean the bathroom completely of ALL stuff”. The girls took their last baths in their tub. We got everything movable out. When we ripped up the ancient linoleum, the scope of the problem hit us. There was mold around the toilet hole. A radius of more than twelve inches was pure black.

The whole floor needed to be replaced. The old toilet was temporarily moved to the tub. Various tools and the garbage can sat with the toilet.

All the new fixtures for the bathroom were removed from Karl and carried to the living room. We could barely move through the room. Hubby consulted with Dad via telephone and made a new materials list. I took a turn at gathering materials. Churchland Hardware didn’t have “flooring” plywood. We decided to send Hubby to Lowe’s instead. I insisted he get a power miter saw.

Yes, I insisted my husband purchase power tools. (Tim Allen would be so proud.)

We used the zip-rip-something saw that my parents gave Hubby for Christmas. We carefully removed the plywood from the center of the room. The toilet had leaked at some point in the distant past, but all was dry.

I worked around Hubby and managed to get the room painted. Just like in our bathroom, the rocket scientist that installed the sink couldn’t figure out what to do with the slightly too large sink top… so he cut holes in the wall to make it fit. (I would still very much like to find this person and slap the crap out of him.) With the old sink top removed, the wall needed to be patched. I had to balance mud drying time and priming and painting.

Gazing at the sheetrock of the kitchen ceiling, I made an observation. “If we were to install a light over the sink, now would be a good time to do it, rather than trying to do it all from below at some future point.”

This decision added at least one day to the job. Everyone had to take baths in our bathroom. The children were forced to use the downstairs toilet.

To be continued…

Recalling a few funny things

You know it's a good movie when...

Dad (loudly): "What the Hell kind of pornography are you all watching?!?"

Mom, Josh, and Me: "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

******************

Many years ago... a husband got a clue and shocked us both...

Me (on phone to friend): I just heard. It's final!

Friend: Oh good! I know you are happy that's done...

Friend's Normally Clueless Husband: Oh, her divorce came final?

(Long pause...)

Me: He's really with it tonight, isn't he?

Friend: Yeah. Weird.

Me: What's he been taking?

Friend: Don't know, but I'd better get him some more...

*************

In Preparation for our trip to Maine...

Mother-in-law is giving us directions: Get off I-95 onto US Highway 1...

Hubby: Where?

MIL: Just get onto US 1.

Hubby: Where? Where do we get onto US1? What city?

MIL: Just get off I-95 onto US 1.

Hubby: Do you know how long US 1 is?

MIL: No...

Hubby: US 1 starts in Florida and ends at the Canadian border. Know how many times US 1 crosses I-95?

MIL: How many?

Hubby: Hundreds... Let me talk to Dad.

Random Thoughts for Blogging

I want to remember stuff to write whenever the mood to blog hits. So far they do not coincide. Why do I always think of the good stuff after I power down the computer?

Don’t you just hate the feeling of “I must have forgotten to pay something”? I have money left over…


Mom reported, “I had a nice conversation with your older brother this morning. ‘Captive audience’ thing and all that. He asked for a ride to work, so we went to pick him up. He had no choice but to listen to me and he did actually answer in multiple syllables.”

Enough randomness... I demand order! (At least that's what I tell everyone about my crochet projects.)

Snakes on a Crowbar

Do I really need to point out that this really happened? So it was only ONE snake, but "Snake on a Crowbar" doesn't have the same ring to it...

Dad had purchased the house down the street. It was a junker and he bought it for a song. The original hope was that the house could be renovated and we would just simply move down the street. It was not to be.

Cleaning up the back yard, Dad was attacked by a swarm of wild bees. The bees had taken offense to a lawn mower passing over their dirt home. Imagine you are the bees for a moment. Here you are, setting up your home in a yard that hasn't been mowed for almost 20 years. I guess we can't really blame the poor bees. Dad got some super strength anithistamines and recovered. You can't keep an old bee keeper down.

As Dad, Mom, my brother, and I worked on the house, we discovered that more than half of the boards were rotten. Dad's dream of a simple renovation went down the toilet. We set about disassembling the house. Sometimes Dad managed to get his brother to help. Sometimes we kids would bring a friend or two to help.

So here it was one Saturday. I had my favorite job: the burn pile. (What can I say? I'm from a long line of pyros.) The Jerk was there, pretending to help. As usual he was doing little actual work. We heard the screams and thumping from inside. Brother ran outside. Here's what happened in less than one minute:

Dad was ripping trim boards from over a window.

His tool of choice was a crowbar.

A snake had taken up residence in the space above the window.

When the trim board was pried away, the snake fell out.

It landed on Dad.

Dad screamed, "SNAKE!!!" and proceeded to make it DEAD.

With many thumps and whumps from his crowbar.

Dad looked up to discover his helper (Brother) was GONE.

At this point, The Jerk wanders inside to see what sort of snake it was. "It was only a non-poisonous black snake," he opined. "There was no reason to kill it. I could have just released it out back."

Dad's response?

"It touched me. It died."

Can you imagine having the gall to inform a very surprised man that he was supposed to stop what he was doing and ensure whether the snake was poisonous or not BEFORE killing it? Come on! This was inside a house! It might have been so old and rotten that no one was ever going to live there again, but A SNAKE WAS INSIDE HIS HOUSE! Do you really want to take a chance on any snake getting away and taking up residence in another part of your house?

Besides, Dad has had issues with snakes in the past. I won't tell you about the cobra in the chicken house tonight.